The Pain in Suicide
by Aly the Spy
Summary: Cameron arrives at the point of no return and, by pure chance, is brought back. As she deals with the aftermath, others discover why she arrived at that point as she discovers why she never should have.


This is a revised reposting of a story I wrote a while back. It may possibly become Cadley, no promises though. It will definitely be a Cameron/Thirteen friendship at least. Thanks to for betaing this. Also, I don't own House, nor am I Emily Dickinson.

* * *

I know of people in the Grave Who would be very glad

To know the news I know tonight If they the chance had had.

'Tis this expands the least event

And swells the scantest deed—My right to walk upon the Earth

If they this moment had.

Emily Dickinson

* * *

She had found it in his desk drawer. Of course, she had been looking for it. Now, she flicked the switch, causing the blade to slide out quickly, then she pushed it back into place with a finger.

She was glad he'd kept it. If she'd had to find some other way, she might not have done it. Best to do it now. No need to suffer longer than necessary.

Cameron knelt on the floor of House's office and plunged the knife in quickly.

* * *

Thirteen tapped her foot as the elevator climbed up the shaft. She'd left her keys in the conference room, which she'd realized after digging in her purse for five minutes as she'd shivered in the chill January air.

She really must dress warmer tomorrow- there was snow in the forecast.

The elevator dinged and Thirteen stepped out, then walked quickly toward the conference room.

She wasn't two steps down the hall when a bright flash from House's office brought her walk to a run.

_House again?_ she wondered as she burst through the door. _Cameron,_ she thought, shocked, as her eyes found the woman lying immobile on the floor.

Thirteen immediately dropped her things and fell to her knees beside the woman. She felt for a pulse and, finding none, she began CPR.

* * *

Cameron woke up.

She gasped for air. Panicked. Tried to sit up.

"Relax, Dr. Cameron. You're alright. Just breathe." Someone placed an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth, and she breathed deeply.

She opened her eyes to see one of House's doctors- Dr. Hadley- standing over her, holding the mask to her face.

Cameron tried to push the mask away, only to find her arms strapped to the bed. Of course.

Thirteen removed the mask, having sensed her motive.

"Why am I alive?" she asked testily.

Thirteen frowned and answered, "I forgot my keys in the conference room." She replaced the mask for a moment.

Cameron glared at her, angrier than she'd ever been in her life. The worst thing was that she couldn't do a thing about it.

Thirteen looked at a monitor, then removed the mask, hanging it on the nearby oxygen tank. As she wrote a few things on Cameron's chart, she remarked, "House wants to know why, of course. That's why I'm here. He took your case."

Cameron sighed and closed her eyes. That was the last thing she wanted. "This isn't hell by any chance, is it?"

"Nope. Sorry." Thirteen hung the chart at the end of the bed and left Cameron to brood under the watchful eyes of the nurses.

* * *

"She's awake," Thirteen informed House, sticking her head in through the door to the conference room. He immediately picked up his cane and limped to the door.

"What'd she say?" he asked as he stepped into the room, surveying his team. Thirteen was wearing that ridiculously hot ensemble with suspenders again. _Damn._

"Asked why she wasn't dead and if this was hell. I was tempted to say yes to her second question."

House rolled his eyes and sighed, letting his shoulders droop. "How can you be joking at a time like this? One of the hospital's best doctors just tried to kill herself! You could be next! Or worse, I could be next!"

"You tried that already. Didn't work so well," Foreman reminded him.

House rolled his eyes again, then addressed the group. "So, what causes a seemingly happy, well-to-do doctor to commit suicide?" he questioned.

"I talked to Chase," Kutner told him. "They apparently broke up the day before yesterday."

House shook his head. "That wouldn't drive her over the edge. Taub, talk to Chase. See if he's noticed anything odd about her. Thirteen, go talk to Cameron. Kutner and Foreman." House paused. "Go get me breakfast."

* * *

"Why did House take my case? Shouldn't I be talking to a shrink?" Cameron asked.

"Dr. Cuddy thinks you'll respond to Dr. House's methods better. And House, apparently, cares about you- that, or he's really curious."

Cameron sighed and stared at the ceiling.

Thirteen sat down on a stool next to Cameron's bed. "Why'd you try to kill yourself, Allison?"

Cameron shook her head, eyes blank. "I'm not talking to you, or anyone else."

Thirteen took a breath, keeping a straight face. "Fine." That was what she'd expected.

* * *

"Why'd you take her case?" Foreman asked after the others were gone.

"Because Cuddy told me I wasn't getting any if I didn't," House responded, using his cane as a golf club, hitting an imaginary ball and watching it soar toward the green.

"No, you took it just because Cuddy asked." Foreman watched House's "game" with interest.

House sighed, leaning on his upside-down cane. "If you already knew the answer, why ask the question?"

"You care," Foreman accused him.

"What, and you don't?" House scoffed. "I'm disappointed!"

Foreman shook his head. "Of course I care. I'm worried. We all are. It's just that you don't usually fit into the 'all' category."

House shrugged. "First time for everything."

He swung his cane again and grimaced as the 'ball' flew towards the trees. "So close."

* * *

Thirteen walked into Cameron's room with lunch for both of them. She placed it on the rolling table and undid the straps that kept Cameron from harming herself, then sat and grabbed her sandwich, watching the other woman with mild interest as she rubbed her wrists idly. "Thanks," Cameron mumbled, "but I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten all day," Thirteen pointed out before taking a big bite out of her sandwich.

"I'm not hungry," Cameron repeated, pushing the tray to the far side of the table.

"I could hook up another IV, then. Wouldn't want you starving to death."

Cameron frowned and considered her dislike of needles and IVs in her arm. Deciding that one was enough for her, she dragged the plate closer and stuck a piece of lettuce in her mouth. She chewed resignedly, as if she found displeasure in the taste and texture of the leaf.

Thirteen rolled her eyes. "At least enjoy it. Your pouting is not going to change my mind."

"Maybe one of the nurses will think you're torturing me."

Thirteen had to grin, hiding behind her sandwich as she did. Cameron sighed and pulled the salad off the table into her lap, picking at it. Thirteen watched as she first ate the carrots and cheese, then the onions, tomatoes, then the peppers. She'd almost finished the lettuce when Thirteen finished her own lunch, and she happily sat back and watched the woman eat. The only things left when she was done were the croutons and the unopened packet of dressing.

"The croutons are the best part," Thirteen commented, plucking the six little pieces of stale bread out of the plastic bowl before dropping the dish in the garbage. She tossed the croutons into her mouth two at a time, crunching happily as she sat back down.

"Sure you don't want to talk?" Thirteen asked, pulling her feet under herself.

"Yes, I already told you that."

"Just checking." Thirteen sighed, gazing out the window. "The silence is quite boring."

* * *

Cameron glanced up at the clock again. Five, and her stomach was aching with hunger. Perfect. _It's now or never_, she thought. _Let's see if this will work._

"Thirteen," she said quietly, asking for the woman's attention.

"Hm?" the woman asked, not even glancing up from her book.

"Do you think you could get me a diet soda? I'm really thirsty."

"Sure," Thirteen said, eyes still glued to the book. She stood, still reading, and somehow managed to tear herself away from the thing. She fumbled in her pocket for change as she hurried out of the door.

_So far, so good, _Cameron thought, getting out of bed. She opened the top drawer of the dresser and found her keys in her pocket from the night before. Watching out of the corner of her eye for nurses and doctors, she went to the other side of the room, unlocked the drawer of the crash cart that contained emergency medicine, and quickly found two syringes full of insulin. She pulled the caps off, then injected them into her IV, one at a time. She quickly tossed the empty syringes into the biohazard box, then got back into bed.

* * *

"Here." Thirteen placed a diet coke on the table in front of her, then went back to her book.

"Thanks." Cameron opened the can and took a small sip of it. She sat it back on the table, then looked at Thirteen. It was nearing suppertime, and she couldn't afford to eat now. She'd have to get the woman to leave.

"Shouldn't you go home? You haven't slept all day."

Thirteen looked up at her, surprised. _Leave it to Cameron to care about others' well being after attempting suicide. _Thirteen looked up at the clock. "I am tired. I guess I'll tell one of the nurses to get you dinner."

To Cameron's relief, the woman redid her restraints and left, taking her book with her. Cameron watched as Thirteen talked to a nurse, then headed toward the elevators, yawning as she went.

It would only be a few minutes until the insulin started working.


End file.
